There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
