Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
