I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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