Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize