I am spending my child support on dildos
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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