Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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