I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
