Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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