Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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