mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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