I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize