Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
