apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
