I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
