you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
