i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
