watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
