He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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