i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Randomize
