She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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