Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
