well you can't waste a boner
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
