I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
