There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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