i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
