eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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