She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
