You made me cry and you don't even care
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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