Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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