On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
