I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
