How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
