Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
