All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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