I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
