You really coming over, don't trick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
