party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
