he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
