Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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