he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
