tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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