I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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