Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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