It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
