During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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