Don't make out with my wife yet
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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