Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
