Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
