nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
