i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
