'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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